Sick and funny jokes

  • 270 Replies
  • 20757 Views

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline DeathsDoor

    *
  • Über Admin
  • *****
  • Posts: 32814
  • Gender: Male
  • Knock Knock
    • Death And Reality
« on: November 19, 2012, 08:05:33 PM »
My wife said to our son, "So, did you enjoy your day at the zoo with your dad?"

"No not really," my son replied, "the zoo was rubbish."

"Why was it rubbish?" Asked my wife.

"Because the only animals there were horses running around a track"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Some men think that using a moisturiser after you've had a shave is a bit gay.I don't, I just think it makes my legs lovely and soft.
-------------------------------------------------------------------


"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My grandfather developed cancer when he was younger.Some say he's the most evil scientist who ever lived.
------------------------------------------------------------------

]I walked up to a girl in a bar and said, "You look like somebody who has a boring sex life. My mission tonight is to get you drunk, take you back to my house and give you the best shag ever."

She said, "My boyfriend is right behind you."

"Good, I'm glad I've got his support."
I tried to commit suicide one time...

I won't be trying that again I nearly fucking died.

Offline MORBID1965

    *
  • *****
  • Posts: 765
  • Gender: Female
  • How do ya like me now?
« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2012, 06:17:05 AM »
BAD PICK UP LINES:

Hey, would you like to dance?  You don't look like you'd sweat as much as the other fat girls here.

I bet you're tired...from running thru my dreams last night.

Nice blouse, any chance I could talk you out of it?

Did it hurt....when you fell from heaven?

You're like a good booger....I'd pick ya!



Offline DW

    *
  • Head Cheese
  • *****
  • Master Baiter and
  • Posts: 11492
  • I Don't Get Any
« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2012, 03:32:17 PM »
BAD PICK UP LINES:

Hey, would you like to dance?  You don't look like you'd sweat as much as the other fat girls here.

I bet you're tired...from running thru my dreams last night.

Nice blouse, any chance I could talk you out of it?

Did it hurt....when you fell from heaven?

You're like a good booger....I'd pick ya!
Damn...I've been doing it wrong all those years.....my favorite pick up line was, "So, ya wanna fuck?"  :lol:
I tried being anorexic once,

I could binge like a motherfucker, but I just could'nt do the purge part.

Offline PS

    *
  • *****
  • PermaBanned
  • Posts: 3559
  • Gender: Female
  • PermaBanned
« Reply #3 on: November 23, 2012, 03:33:17 PM »
lol.  Good way to earn a slap.






Offline MORBID1965

    *
  • *****
  • Posts: 765
  • Gender: Female
  • How do ya like me now?
« Reply #4 on: November 23, 2012, 08:23:45 PM »
I like yer directness DW....encore!

Offline Saltydog

    *
  • Über Admin
  • *****
  • Posts: 6424
  • Gender: Male
  • Mutherfuckers!!
« Reply #5 on: November 29, 2012, 05:58:58 PM »
Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les' wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! 
Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. 
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Les' wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well, indeed he did. 
She said, "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirmed that he was interested. 
Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2:00 pm Friday afternoon. 
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les' house at 2:00 pm sharp, and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 -- they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as agreed.  Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6:00 pm and upon arriving, asked his wife, "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?" 
With a lump in her throat Sue answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."  Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." 
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player ...
You are not even human fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit!

Offline scooped away

    *
  • *****
  • Posts: 6349
  • Gender: Female
  • watching you from within
« Reply #6 on: November 29, 2012, 06:56:27 PM »
:lol:

Offline DeathsDoor

    *
  • Über Admin
  • *****
  • Posts: 32814
  • Gender: Male
  • Knock Knock
    • Death And Reality
« Reply #7 on: November 29, 2012, 07:16:03 PM »
lol
I tried to commit suicide one time...

I won't be trying that again I nearly fucking died.

Offline DeathsDoor

    *
  • Über Admin
  • *****
  • Posts: 32814
  • Gender: Male
  • Knock Knock
    • Death And Reality
« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2012, 10:30:13 PM »
Over the past year, I've bought every single product offered on each porn site that I've visited.

My penis is now 326 feet long.
:demented: [/size][/font]
I tried to commit suicide one time...

I won't be trying that again I nearly fucking died.

Offline DeathsDoor

    *
  • Über Admin
  • *****
  • Posts: 32814
  • Gender: Male
  • Knock Knock
    • Death And Reality
« Reply #9 on: December 04, 2012, 11:21:01 AM »
Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boy's name at the moment.[/size]We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.
I tried to commit suicide one time...

I won't be trying that again I nearly fucking died.

Offline DeathsDoor

    *
  • Über Admin
  • *****
  • Posts: 32814
  • Gender: Male
  • Knock Knock
    • Death And Reality
« Reply #10 on: December 04, 2012, 11:22:12 AM »
Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: £10.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?
I tried to commit suicide one time...

I won't be trying that again I nearly fucking died.

Offline Eat Sack

    *
  • *
  • Banned
  • Posts: 0
  • Gender: Male
    • GHEY
« Reply #11 on: December 06, 2012, 04:21:44 PM »
Paddy asked his wife what she'd like for Christmas?

 She said, "I'd love a black I-Pad."

 So he punched her and gave her two.
I'm A Freaking Cry Baby When I don't Get My Way

Offline PS

    *
  • *****
  • PermaBanned
  • Posts: 3559
  • Gender: Female
  • PermaBanned
« Reply #12 on: December 06, 2012, 10:10:35 PM »
 :rolleyes:

Offline Eat Sack

    *
  • *
  • Banned
  • Posts: 0
  • Gender: Male
    • GHEY
« Reply #13 on: December 06, 2012, 10:41:00 PM »
Paddy is  slang for irish notorious for getting drunk and beating they spouses.
I'm A Freaking Cry Baby When I don't Get My Way

Offline PS

    *
  • *****
  • PermaBanned
  • Posts: 3559
  • Gender: Female
  • PermaBanned
« Reply #14 on: December 06, 2012, 10:51:18 PM »
bunch of potato-eating, wife-beating meanies.