GoreGasm

GENERAL => General Media, Images, Videos and Links => Topic started by: DeathsDoor on November 19, 2012, 08:05:33 PM

Title: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on November 19, 2012, 08:05:33 PM
My wife said to our son, "So, did you enjoy your day at the zoo with your dad?"

"No not really," my son replied, "the zoo was rubbish."

"Why was it rubbish?" Asked my wife.

"Because the only animals there were horses running around a track"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Some men think that using a moisturiser after you've had a shave is a bit gay.I don't, I just think it makes my legs lovely and soft.
-------------------------------------------------------------------


"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My grandfather developed cancer when he was younger.Some say he's the most evil scientist who ever lived.
------------------------------------------------------------------

]I walked up to a girl in a bar and said, "You look like somebody who has a boring sex life. My mission tonight is to get you drunk, take you back to my house and give you the best shag ever."

She said, "My boyfriend is right behind you."

"Good, I'm glad I've got his support."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: MORBID1965 on November 23, 2012, 06:17:05 AM
BAD PICK UP LINES:

Hey, would you like to dance?  You don't look like you'd sweat as much as the other fat girls here.

I bet you're tired...from running thru my dreams last night.

Nice blouse, any chance I could talk you out of it?

Did it hurt....when you fell from heaven?

You're like a good booger....I'd pick ya!


Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on November 23, 2012, 03:32:17 PM
BAD PICK UP LINES:

Hey, would you like to dance?  You don't look like you'd sweat as much as the other fat girls here.

I bet you're tired...from running thru my dreams last night.

Nice blouse, any chance I could talk you out of it?

Did it hurt....when you fell from heaven?

You're like a good booger....I'd pick ya!
Damn...I've been doing it wrong all those years.....my favorite pick up line was, "So, ya wanna fuck?"  :lol:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on November 23, 2012, 03:33:17 PM
lol.  Good way to earn a slap.





Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: MORBID1965 on November 23, 2012, 08:23:45 PM
I like yer directness DW....encore!
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Saltydog on November 29, 2012, 05:58:58 PM
Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les' wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! 
Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. 
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Les' wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well, indeed he did. 
She said, "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirmed that he was interested. 
Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2:00 pm Friday afternoon. 
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les' house at 2:00 pm sharp, and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 -- they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as agreed.  Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6:00 pm and upon arriving, asked his wife, "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?" 
With a lump in her throat Sue answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."  Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." 
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player ...
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: scooped away on November 29, 2012, 06:56:27 PM
:lol:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on November 29, 2012, 07:16:03 PM
lol
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on November 29, 2012, 10:30:13 PM
Over the past year, I've bought every single product offered on each porn site that I've visited.

My penis is now 326 feet long.  :demented: [/size][/font]
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 04, 2012, 11:21:01 AM
Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boy's name at the moment.[/size]We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 04, 2012, 11:22:12 AM
Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: £10.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Eat Sack on December 06, 2012, 04:21:44 PM
Paddy asked his wife what she'd like for Christmas?

 She said, "I'd love a black I-Pad."

 So he punched her and gave her two.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 06, 2012, 10:10:35 PM
 :rolleyes:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Eat Sack on December 06, 2012, 10:41:00 PM
Paddy is  slang for irish notorious for getting drunk and beating they spouses.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 06, 2012, 10:51:18 PM
bunch of potato-eating, wife-beating meanies.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Eat Sack on December 06, 2012, 11:26:52 PM
uhuh...
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 06, 2012, 11:34:40 PM
god damned gingers

Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: scooped away on December 07, 2012, 12:09:30 AM
Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: £10.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?
:lol:


cigs are £10 there now?
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 07, 2012, 12:12:30 AM

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."


Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."[/b]

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.[/b]

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea ! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea.[/b]

I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"[/b]

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"[/b]

[/font][/color]
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Saltydog on December 07, 2012, 04:34:26 AM
What do you call a Chinese man with a camera? Phil Ming.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 07, 2012, 04:43:32 AM
What do you call a Samoan guy who fell off a sofa?
Guywhofelloffasofa
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 07, 2012, 04:49:26 AM
Two pretzles are walking down the street.  One was a salted.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Twisted Gut on December 07, 2012, 05:39:20 AM
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London , He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so fuck off and wait for a camel!"   
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 07, 2012, 05:46:57 AM
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London , He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so fuck off and wait for a camel!"   


 :lol:


This is great.  I'll have to remember this one.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 07, 2012, 11:13:33 AM
bunch of potato-eating, wife-beating meanies.


Im Irish, and i dont beat potatoes or eat my wife!
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Eat Sack on December 07, 2012, 01:53:44 PM
bunch of potato-eating, wife-beating meanies.


Im Irish, and i dont beat potatoes or eat my wife!


Thats why you're in the bad books, gotta chow down bro :munch:


What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?




Cliffe(very old but fuck you i dont care) :flick:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 07, 2012, 01:57:34 PM
Im not even gonna comment on that joke..........................................  :rolleyes:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Eat Sack on December 07, 2012, 02:45:25 PM
What do you call a russian man with 3 testicals?

Whodya Nikabollokov
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 07, 2012, 04:07:32 PM
bunch of potato-eating, wife-beating meanies.


Im Irish, and i dont beat potatoes or eat my wife!


*hides potatoes, cabbages, and DD's wife.




Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 07, 2012, 04:08:51 PM
What is a Jew's biggest dilemma? 


Free Pork
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 07, 2012, 04:36:19 PM
bunch of potato-eating, wife-beating meanies.


Im Irish, and i dont beat potatoes or eat my wife!


*hides potatoes, cabbages, and DD's wife.


 :demented:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 07, 2012, 04:38:56 PM
 :idea:   


Don't worry.  You can find em if you follow the trail of Guinness.

Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 07, 2012, 04:40:38 PM
:idea:   


Don't worry.  You can find em if you follow the trail of Guinness.


Now i wish i was Irish
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 07, 2012, 04:42:25 PM
I'm German and Swedish.   :grin:



Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 07, 2012, 04:43:47 PM
I'm German and Swedish.   :grin:


Sounds good to me! :excited:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Eat Sack on December 07, 2012, 04:58:03 PM
I am a funt case.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: MORBID1965 on December 07, 2012, 08:19:21 PM
Hey I'm Irish too....I don't beat on anyone who doesn't deserve it (mad fuckers)...hahaha
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: augusthog on December 07, 2012, 11:01:47 PM
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender pours him one and asks "Anything else?" The skeleton says "Yes, a mop"!
 
What kind of bees make milk?
BOO BEES!
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 07, 2012, 11:07:10 PM
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender pours him one and asks "Anything else?" The skeleton says "Yes, a mop"!
 



(http://i550.photobucket.com/albums/ii427/deathsdoor1234/GGS/lmao.gif)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: scooped away on December 07, 2012, 11:21:39 PM
Hey I'm Irish too....I don't beat on anyone who doesn't deserve it (mad fuckers)...hahaha
me to actualliy im a heinz 57 lol . french german irish welch and american indian
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: noose on December 08, 2012, 05:16:05 AM
Me be part Irish too. Me in good company.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 08, 2012, 06:00:22 PM
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that's in a swimming pool..... bob
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that's laying on your doorstep.....matt
 What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that's in a pile of leaves.....rustle
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 09, 2012, 12:43:59 AM
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?  Cuz it was dead
Why did the bird fall out of the tree? Cuz it was stapled to the squirrel
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Eat Sack on December 09, 2012, 12:59:48 AM
:/
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 09, 2012, 01:07:15 AM
Why do all the trees in Missouri lean south?
Because Arkansas sucks........ :flick:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 09, 2012, 01:08:58 AM
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?  Cuz it was dead
Why did the bird fall out of the tree? Cuz it was stapled to the squirrel


(http://i550.photobucket.com/albums/ii427/deathsdoor1234/GGS/night.gif)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 09, 2012, 01:10:04 AM
Why do all the trees in Missouri lean south?
Because Arkansas sucks........ :flick:


American jokes.... i just dont get them..
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 09, 2012, 09:50:33 AM
:/


Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?  Cuz it was dead
Why did the bird fall out of the tree? Cuz it was stapled to the squirrel


(http://i550.photobucket.com/albums/ii427/deathsdoor1234/GGS/night.gif)




Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttt.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Twisted Gut on December 09, 2012, 10:07:41 AM
Yes please.  I better take some lessons lol  :embarassed:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 09, 2012, 10:08:16 AM
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...

We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.

We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him


Oops...
:lol:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Saltydog on December 09, 2012, 10:11:46 AM
Yes please.  I better take some lessons lol  :embarassed:

Seems it worked for PS...
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 09, 2012, 10:14:51 AM
Yes please.  I better take some lessons lol  :embarassed:

Seems it worked for PS...


I just selected the quote and changed the size of the font.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Saltydog on December 09, 2012, 10:19:25 AM
Yes please.  I better take some lessons lol  :embarassed:

Seems it worked for PS...


I just selected the quote and changed the size of the font.

And you knew how to this when?
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 09, 2012, 10:24:33 AM
 Just basic computer stuff, lol. 
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Saltydog on December 09, 2012, 10:26:39 AM
Just basic computer stuff, lol.

Easy Peasy Japanesey (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGW0h80gKW4#)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 09, 2012, 07:23:17 PM
An old prospector walks into town with his mule after being in the hills for about six months. He walks into the saloon and orders a beer. "Where can I find a woman around here?" he asks the bartender.

"We ain't got none," replied the bartender.

"Ain't got no women? So whaddaya do?"

"Well," said the bartender, "we got Old Joe out back."

"Hey," said the prospector in a sour tone, "I don't go for that shit!"

"Suit yourself," the bartender replied.

The prospector finished his beer, bought some supplies and headed out of town. He returned about three months later, walked into the same saloon and ordered a beer.

"Got any women in town yet?" asked the prospector.

"Nope," replied the bartender, "just Old Joe out back."

"Forget that!" the prospector yelled, "I don't go for that shit!" The prospector again rode out of town, back to the hills.

He returned in three months, and walked into the saloon. "Gimmie a beer--say, are there any women in town now?"

"No," said the bartender, "same as before, we just got Old Joe out back."

The prospector scratched his beard and thought for a minute. "Well, I am hornier than a billy goat. If I did do it with Old Joe, how many people would know about it?" asked the prospector.

"Five," replied the bartender.

"Five!," cried the prospector, "how come so many?"

"Well, there's you, me, Old Joe of course.......and the other two guys."

"The other two guys.....who the hell are they?", the prospector asked.

"Well," stated the bartender, "they are the ones holding Old Joe down, he don't go for that shit either."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 09, 2012, 07:25:30 PM
Haha
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 09, 2012, 07:25:42 PM
hahhaaa
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 09, 2012, 07:29:47 PM
There was a drunk sitting in a local tavern when a drop dead gorgeous lady walked in and sat the other end of the bar from him. He said to the bartender "Give that babe a drink on me."
The bartender replied, "Sure, but don't count on anything from it, she happens to be a lesbian."
Being too drunk to even think straight, the guy decided to strike up a conversation with the lady and approaching her stated, "I hear you are from lesbia.
"Correcting him she told him there was no such place and that she was a lesbian.
Unable to make him understand that it was a lifestyle, she offered an example.
"Do you see that young lady in the corner? What I would like to do to her is to take her home, remove her shirt, fondle her lovely breasts and then make love to her all night."
With this, the drunk broke down and started to cry.
"What is the matter?" She asked.
The drunk said through his tears, "I think I am a lesbian too".
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 09, 2012, 07:35:53 PM
Why do all the trees in Missouri lean south?
Because Arkansas sucks........ :flick:


American jokes.... i just dont get them..
Get a map of the USA....... :lol:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 09, 2012, 07:52:56 PM
Why do all the trees in Missouri lean south?
Because Arkansas sucks........ :flick:


American jokes.... i just dont get them..
Get a map of the USA....... :lol:


Still dont get it... SOD OFF!
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Harley on December 09, 2012, 11:55:44 PM
You're  gonna get it!
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Eat Sack on December 10, 2012, 12:03:07 AM
He might not want it... Give it to him...
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 10, 2012, 12:03:44 AM
(https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTl5R2Lp5TaQYr4y3d2Cys8g9QXu0TuPUMG-sCW5qTv3dnE03wL)
Better watch it Harley....DD is on the prowl.......
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Harley on December 10, 2012, 12:05:29 AM
He's out prowling for a place to hide.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Eat Sack on December 10, 2012, 12:17:14 AM
Yeah in your anus.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 10, 2012, 12:53:02 AM
You're  gonna get it!


 :lol:   Don't threaten him with a good time. 
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 12, 2012, 10:09:29 PM
My wife's left me because of my Taylor Swift obsession.[/size]We are never, ever, ever, ever, getting back together.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: madman007 on December 13, 2012, 10:40:39 AM
.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 13, 2012, 06:35:21 PM
Jeffery Dahmer parents visited him for Christmas supper and he gave em the cold shoulder.



Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 14, 2012, 06:27:18 PM
A man ran into our local bank holding a cordless drill shouting "put your fucking hands up"![/size]My first thoughts were "I'm screwed!"
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: nldude on December 14, 2012, 07:54:08 PM
What do you call a Chinese man with a camera? Phil Ming.

He is friends with Ben Dover and Phil McCrevice
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: nldude on December 14, 2012, 08:01:02 PM
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that's in a swimming pool..... bob
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that's laying on your doorstep.....matt
 What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that's in a pile of leaves.....rustle

Little boy knocks on a door and a woman answers, he says can jimmy come out to play baseball, she says why you know jimmy has no arms or legs. he says i know but we need a second base.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Saltydog on December 14, 2012, 11:45:18 PM
How do you know if your house was built by a lesbian? It's all tongue and groove with no studs.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 14, 2012, 11:57:04 PM
How do you know if your house was built by a lesbian? It's all tongue and groove with no studs.


 :munch:  That's a good one.   
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 15, 2012, 05:43:09 PM
With the end of the world almost upon us, I've decided to work my way through a list of all the taboo things I never dared to do in life. So here I am, with a syringe full of heroin, wearing my wife's underwear and about to shag a sheep.And as soon as I'm done, I'll get started on that list.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 15, 2012, 05:44:37 PM
I was on holiday and saw a sign in a restaurant saying, "No shirt, No service."Turns out it's negotiable when you have tits.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 15, 2012, 08:13:03 PM
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 15, 2012, 11:56:53 PM
lol
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 16, 2012, 12:16:44 AM
With the end of the world almost upon us, I've decided to work my way through a list of all the taboo things I never dared to do in life. So here I am, with a syringe full of heroin, wearing my wife's underwear and about to shag a sheep.And as soon as I'm done, I'll get started on that list.
BWAHAHAHA!!!!!!!(http://forum.goregasm.com/images/smilies/lmao.gif)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 16, 2012, 12:18:00 AM
 :rolleyes:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 16, 2012, 12:53:27 AM
With the end of the world almost upon us, I've decided to work my way through a list of all the taboo things I never dared to do in life. So here I am, with a syringe full of heroin, wearing my wife's underwear and about to shag a sheep.And as soon as I'm done, I'll get started on that list.


Wow this is fucking hilarious!
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 16, 2012, 01:05:11 AM
Paleontologists have discovered a new dinosaur species comprised of only females.
So they named them Lickedalottapuss......
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 16, 2012, 01:08:48 AM
 :lol:


If a firefighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 16, 2012, 01:10:13 AM
What's the difference between an old whore and a young whore?
A young whore uses vaseline.....
An old whore uses Dentugrip......
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 16, 2012, 01:34:51 AM
bwaha


What do you tell a Hooker with 2 black eyes?
Nothing. You've already told her twice!

Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: scooped away on December 16, 2012, 04:32:08 AM
Two women were playing golf one sunny morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch and fell to the ground where he proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed over to the man and began t
o
apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me."

"Ummph, oooh, nooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at the crotch.

But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked him, "How does that feel now?"

The man replied, "That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Saltydog on December 16, 2012, 04:36:57 AM
Two women were playing golf one sunny morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch and fell to the ground where he proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed over to the man and began t
o
apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me."

"Ummph, oooh, nooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at the crotch.

But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked him, "How does that feel now?"

The man replied, "That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

LOL
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Harley on December 16, 2012, 12:55:04 PM
Two hunters are in the woods, when one of them suddenly collapses. He wasn't breathing, and his eyes looked glazed. Thinking quickly, the other guy grabs his cell phone and calls for help. He shouts at the emergency operator, "I think my friend is dead! What do I do!?"

"Calm down", the operator says in a soothing voice, "I can help you. But first, we need to make sure he's dead."

The phone goes silent for a second, then the operator hears a gunshot; "Ok", says the hunter, "now what?"
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Harley on December 16, 2012, 01:39:58 PM
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks Saltydog if someone will be sitting there. "No" says Salty.  "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" Saltydog  says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" Salty shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: scooped away on December 16, 2012, 04:25:08 PM
:lol:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 16, 2012, 05:00:53 PM
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband,"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if  I did a pretty good job."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 16, 2012, 05:02:53 PM
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 16, 2012, 05:07:10 PM
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!".
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 16, 2012, 05:09:48 PM
 :demented:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: scooped away on December 16, 2012, 08:58:27 PM
:lol:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Harley on December 16, 2012, 09:35:57 PM
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 16, 2012, 09:45:28 PM
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"


(http://i550.photobucket.com/albums/ii427/deathsdoor1234/GGS/lmao.gif)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: scooped away on December 16, 2012, 10:16:03 PM
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
:lol:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 16, 2012, 10:33:14 PM
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"
Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 16, 2012, 10:35:11 PM
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"
Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.


REPOST!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 16, 2012, 10:37:56 PM
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 16, 2012, 10:38:39 PM
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 17, 2012, 04:16:10 AM
A woman was making last minute preparations for a gala dinner she and her husband were throwing at their new malibu beach house when she realized she had forgotten to purchase escargots. "Will you run down the beach and grab some snails?" she asked. Her husband took a pail and started walking down the shore. Before long he noticed a beautiful bikini-clad woman strolling in his direction. Much to his surprise she stopped and began talking to him. Eventually their conversation turned personal and they ended up back at her place having crazy sex and afterward her fell deep asleep. He awoke at 7 am and threw his clothes on. He sprinted down the shore with his bucket of snails. When he got to his house he flew up the stairs two at a time and tripped. The snails went flying all over the porch. His enraged wife opens the door and sees her husband. He looks down at the snails then his wife then back down to the snails. "Come on, guys," he gasped "We're almost there."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 17, 2012, 10:07:25 AM
haha
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 17, 2012, 10:11:15 AM
My computer is possessed....  :drunk:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 17, 2012, 10:15:13 AM
Phew!  Back 2 normal.. carry on.   :grin:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 17, 2012, 10:19:28 AM
My computer is possessed....  :drunk:


By the funny demon :excited:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 17, 2012, 10:22:44 AM
 :drunk: :drunk: :drunk: :drunk:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Harley on December 17, 2012, 10:24:32 AM
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.....do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, he thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him It was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 17, 2012, 10:25:55 AM
(http://i550.photobucket.com/albums/ii427/deathsdoor1234/GGS/lmao.gif)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on December 17, 2012, 10:30:11 AM
Hilarious Joke!

Yours True,
Satan.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Harley on December 17, 2012, 10:32:37 AM
Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.
While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, 'Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?'
The father replies, 'I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!'
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 17, 2012, 05:28:03 PM
Me and the wife were having Christmas drinks with friends when one asked, "what's everyone's new years resolution?"I said, "Mine's going to be, to have more sex.""Oh great!" my wife sighed."Don't worry, love" I assured her, "it's not going to affect you."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 17, 2012, 05:30:28 PM
My wife managed to finish the Christmas cards early this year.

Both my Visa and Mastercard are completely maxed out
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Harley on December 17, 2012, 10:44:44 PM
Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Shelly. Shelly was very girly and liked wearing pretty skirts. She wore skirts every day.
One day at school, a young boy named Sam asked Shelly to climb on the jungle gym. So Shelly did.
When Shelly got home, she told her mom about her day, and included the part about the jungle gym.
"Shelly, don't do that. He might just be trying to look at your underwear." said her mother.
What the big deal was, Shelly didn't understand.
The next day Sam asked Shelly to climb on the jungle gym again. So she did.
Shelly again told her mother about her day, including the jungle gym moment.
"Didn't I tell you, young lady?" fumed her mother. "He just wants to see your underwear!"
"But Mommy, I tricked him," said Shelly. "Today I didn't wear any underwear!"
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 18, 2012, 12:33:51 PM
Peter Andre has said the death of his brother is the worst news he's received since Katie told him it was his turn to have Harvey for Christmas
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 19, 2012, 04:34:43 PM
Dildos are illegal in Texas but guns aren't. Probably explains the low number of dildo-related murders in the area.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: ranss7 on December 19, 2012, 05:05:31 PM
OK, will try a joke in english:
 
The doctor tells a men he is going to die. He can only have 10 times sex.
The man comes homes an tells that his wife. He say's i will set up a plan for these 10 times he can have sex.
After a time she ask's him for the plan. Oh say's he,you're not mentioned in my plan.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 19, 2012, 05:18:44 PM
(http://i550.photobucket.com/albums/ii427/deathsdoor1234/GGS/lmao.gif)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 20, 2012, 10:50:01 AM
I knocked on my neighbour's door this morning and said, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've just hit your cat." "Oh no," she cried, "Is he in a bad way?""Put it this way," I said, "My cricket bat snapped in half."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Harley on December 20, 2012, 10:59:57 AM
You are mean.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 20, 2012, 11:01:04 AM
lol
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Harley on December 20, 2012, 11:34:54 AM
You broke a perfectly good cricket bat.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 21, 2012, 04:19:39 PM
So the Mayans were wrong and the world didn't end today. Can anyone tell me where do I dump the dead bodies of my enemies?
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: ranss7 on December 21, 2012, 08:33:44 PM
burn them..... :cage:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 23, 2012, 05:59:10 PM
Cheer up Mayans, everyone makes mistakes...

It's not the end of the world.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Harley on December 23, 2012, 06:02:08 PM
Cheer up Mayans, everyone makes mistakes...

It's not the end of the world.

Lol!!
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 23, 2012, 07:58:49 PM
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 23, 2012, 08:00:41 PM
DW and Deathsdoor are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

Deathsdoor says to DW, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

DW says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 23, 2012, 08:02:17 PM
There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 23, 2012, 08:05:20 PM
DW and Deathsdoor are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

Deathsdoor says to DW, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

DW says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"





(http://i550.photobucket.com/albums/ii427/deathsdoor1234/01-1.gif)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 23, 2012, 08:06:12 PM
Definition of disgusting?


Shoving 7 oysters up your grandma and sucking out 8
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 23, 2012, 08:07:46 PM
What is the difference between an onion and a baby?

I cry when i chop up onions
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 23, 2012, 08:09:24 PM
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 26, 2012, 01:38:22 PM
Christmas is a lot like anal sex.

It's better to give than to receive.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 27, 2012, 12:25:53 PM
I found my son hanging in his bedroom this morning.

There was a note on his bed which read, "I can't take the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down and managed to revive him.

As he lay in my arms and slowly opened his eyes, I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 27, 2012, 03:04:42 PM
What do Gollum and Jimmy Savile have in common?

They are both after the rings of little people.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 27, 2012, 03:07:15 PM
I approached a stunning blonde in the club last night.

"You look like you know how to handle a man with special needs," I said, with a wink.

"I certainly do," she responded.

"Great," I replied, "follow me to the gents toilets... My disabled brother Kevin will need help wiping his ass."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 27, 2012, 03:12:27 PM
In a recent survey it was found 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape........... :spin:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 27, 2012, 03:24:45 PM
What do Gollum and Jimmy Savile have in common?

They are both after the rings of little people.



How the feck do you know of Jimmy Savile?
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 27, 2012, 03:29:00 PM
What do Gollum and Jimmy Savile have in common?

They are both after the rings of little people.



How the feck do you know of Jimmy Savile?
 


Internet, duhhhh....... :tongue:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 27, 2012, 03:30:57 PM
What do Gollum and Jimmy Savile have in common?

They are both after the rings of little people.



How the feck do you know of Jimmy Savile?
 


Internet, duhhhh....... :tongue:


Google can sometimes be a bad thing.........
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 27, 2012, 03:33:27 PM
What do Gollum and Jimmy Savile have in common?

They are both after the rings of little people.



How the feck do you know of Jimmy Savile?
 


Internet, duhhhh....... :tongue:


Google can sometimes be a bad thing.........

So can Huffington Post, BBC America, The Guardian and Telegraph......but that don't stop me from looking. :spin:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 27, 2012, 03:35:58 PM
What do Gollum and Jimmy Savile have in common?

They are both after the rings of little people.



How the feck do you know of Jimmy Savile?
 


Internet, duhhhh....... :tongue:


Google can sometimes be a bad thing.........

So can Huffington Post, BBC America, The Guardian and Telegraph......but that don't stop me from looking. :spin:


The Telegraph pfff POOF!
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 27, 2012, 03:40:43 PM
What do Gollum and Jimmy Savile have in common?

They are both after the rings of little people.



How the feck do you know of Jimmy Savile?
 


Internet, duhhhh....... :tongue:


Google can sometimes be a bad thing.........

So can Huffington Post, BBC America, The Guardian and Telegraph......but that don't stop me from looking. :spin:


The Telegraph pfff POOF!

It was laying on your desk....I needed to wipe my ass, and got to reading instead.....sorry about your chair.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 27, 2012, 03:44:44 PM
What do Gollum and Jimmy Savile have in common?

They are both after the rings of little people.



How the feck do you know of Jimmy Savile?
 


Internet, duhhhh....... :tongue:


Google can sometimes be a bad thing.........

So can Huffington Post, BBC America, The Guardian and Telegraph......but that don't stop me from looking. :spin:


The Telegraph pfff POOF!

It was laying on your desk....I needed to wipe my ass, and got to reading instead.....sorry about your chair.


No recovery there! now everyone knows you read that. BUSTED
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 27, 2012, 03:45:41 PM
What do Gollum and Jimmy Savile have in common?

They are both after the rings of little people.



How the feck do you know of Jimmy Savile?
 


Internet, duhhhh....... :tongue:


Google can sometimes be a bad thing.........

So can Huffington Post, BBC America, The Guardian and Telegraph......but that don't stop me from looking. :spin:


The Telegraph pfff POOF!

It was laying on your desk....I needed to wipe my ass, and got to reading instead.....sorry about your chair.


No recovery there! now everyone knows you read that. BUSTED

And your point would be............
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 27, 2012, 03:48:46 PM
What do Gollum and Jimmy Savile have in common?

They are both after the rings of little people.



How the feck do you know of Jimmy Savile?
 


Internet, duhhhh....... :tongue:


Google can sometimes be a bad thing.........

So can Huffington Post, BBC America, The Guardian and Telegraph......but that don't stop me from looking. :spin:


The Telegraph pfff POOF!

It was laying on your desk....I needed to wipe my ass, and got to reading instead.....sorry about your chair.


No recovery there! now everyone knows you read that. BUSTED

And your point would be............


Er.. erm...
What was we chatting about again?
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 27, 2012, 03:49:56 PM
What do Gollum and Jimmy Savile have in common?

They are both after the rings of little people.



How the feck do you know of Jimmy Savile?
 


Internet, duhhhh....... :tongue:


Google can sometimes be a bad thing.........

So can Huffington Post, BBC America, The Guardian and Telegraph......but that don't stop me from looking. :spin:


The Telegraph pfff POOF!

It was laying on your desk....I needed to wipe my ass, and got to reading instead.....sorry about your chair.


No recovery there! now everyone knows you read that. BUSTED

And your point would be............


Er.. erm...
What was we chatting about again?

Quantum physics......I think.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 27, 2012, 03:53:00 PM
What do Gollum and Jimmy Savile have in common?

They are both after the rings of little people.



How the feck do you know of Jimmy Savile?
 


Internet, duhhhh....... :tongue:


Google can sometimes be a bad thing.........

So can Huffington Post, BBC America, The Guardian and Telegraph......but that don't stop me from looking. :spin:


The Telegraph pfff POOF!

It was laying on your desk....I needed to wipe my ass, and got to reading instead.....sorry about your chair.


No recovery there! now everyone knows you read that. BUSTED

And your point would be............


Er.. erm...
What was we chatting about again?

Quantum physics......I think.


IM READY!
(http://images.betterworldbooks.com/047/Quantum-Physics-for-Dummies-9780470381885.jpg)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 27, 2012, 03:59:08 PM
What do Gollum and Jimmy Savile have in common?

They are both after the rings of little people.



How the feck do you know of Jimmy Savile?
 


Internet, duhhhh....... :tongue:


Google can sometimes be a bad thing.........

So can Huffington Post, BBC America, The Guardian and Telegraph......but that don't stop me from looking. :spin:


The Telegraph pfff POOF!

It was laying on your desk....I needed to wipe my ass, and got to reading instead.....sorry about your chair.


No recovery there! now everyone knows you read that. BUSTED

And your point would be............


Er.. erm...
What was we chatting about again?

Quantum physics......I think.


IM READY!
(http://images.betterworldbooks.com/047/Quantum-Physics-for-Dummies-9780470381885.jpg)

Indeed you are......
 
(http://siliconvalleyrealtyworld.com/files/2011/09/Crash_Test_Dummy.jpg)
 
Deathsdoor pauses to reflect that he's forgotten what he was supposed to remember to not forget.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 27, 2012, 04:01:16 PM

 
Indeed you are......
 
(http://siliconvalleyrealtyworld.com/files/2011/09/Crash_Test_Dummy.jpg)
 
Deathsdoor pauses to reflect that he's forgotten what he was supposed to remember to not forget.



Wheres the quote button again?
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 27, 2012, 04:03:43 PM

 
Indeed you are......
 
(http://siliconvalleyrealtyworld.com/files/2011/09/Crash_Test_Dummy.jpg)
 
Deathsdoor pauses to reflect that he's forgotten what he was supposed to remember to not forget.



Wheres the quote button again?

It's way down yonder in the paw paw patch..........
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 27, 2012, 04:07:51 PM

 
Indeed you are......
 
(http://siliconvalleyrealtyworld.com/files/2011/09/Crash_Test_Dummy.jpg)
 
Deathsdoor pauses to reflect that he's forgotten what he was supposed to remember to not forget.



Wheres the quote button again?

It's way down yonder in the paw paw patch..........
I a what patch?
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 27, 2012, 05:05:12 PM

 
Indeed you are......
 
(http://siliconvalleyrealtyworld.com/files/2011/09/Crash_Test_Dummy.jpg)
 
Deathsdoor pauses to reflect that he's forgotten what he was supposed to remember to not forget.



Wheres the quote button again?

It's way down yonder in the paw paw patch..........
I a what patch?


Pawpaw.......google it.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on December 27, 2012, 08:00:46 PM
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 27, 2012, 08:09:34 PM
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."


Can you make the txt a bit smaller please.
 (http://i550.photobucket.com/albums/ii427/deathsdoor1234/film/1-1.gif)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: scooped away on December 27, 2012, 09:36:42 PM

[/quote]
 
It's way down yonder in the paw paw patch..........
[/quote]  :spin:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 29, 2012, 01:18:55 PM
You can say what you like about Muslims, but they've done more for race relations than anyone else every had.No matter what colour your skin or where you live-EVERYONE HATE MUSLIMS!!
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 29, 2012, 01:20:45 PM
General "Stormin'" Norman " is to be buried with full military honours

Waiting for the Headlines "10 mouners killed in "Friendly Fire"
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Harley on December 29, 2012, 07:47:20 PM
The perfect Fairy Tale

One day a man asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said "No"
The man lived happily ever after and went fishing,
hunting, played golf, drank beer,
and farted whenever he wanted

The End
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Harley on December 29, 2012, 10:34:39 PM
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter
came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about The letter read:

"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money
I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I
had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I
have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are
my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna"

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day,
all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she
would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the
letter was opened. It read:

"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because
of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those
bastards at the Post Office.
Sincerely yours,
Edna"
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Harley on December 29, 2012, 10:46:38 PM
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay

********************
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 30, 2012, 11:20:50 AM
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay

********************


 :demented:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: scooped away on December 30, 2012, 07:35:13 PM
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...... He
says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination, and
it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound
of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes......t­here is no way the blind
clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 31, 2012, 07:25:34 AM
I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend.

Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.[/size][/font]
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on January 05, 2013, 12:24:25 PM
I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart.  They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: scooped away on January 08, 2013, 04:19:14 AM
Paul had a rough day on the job. He hits the local watering hole and ends up talking with a much older woman at a bar. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter, his age. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if he’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”? “What’s that?” Paul asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome.” she said.

As Paul's mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t.” They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night!” They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place. When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs, “Mom… you still awake?”
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on January 09, 2013, 12:16:49 PM
I'll never join one of those on line dating services. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way.

Through alcohol and poor judgement.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on January 28, 2013, 10:04:31 PM
I reckon I must have a stalker. Every time I go on my favourite porn site, it keeps telling me that Emily is only two miles away.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on February 03, 2013, 06:49:08 PM
My wife's upset as she's lost her job today and her mum died yesterday. She just went outside with the car keys and hosepipe.Well, if washing the car takes her mind off of it all then I'm not going to stand in her way.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on February 03, 2013, 08:59:32 PM
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on February 03, 2013, 09:01:40 PM
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
:frown:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on February 03, 2013, 09:20:12 PM
How do you recycle a used condom....turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it     (bada boom (http://www.pic4ever.com/images/Bananeyessss.gif))
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on February 03, 2013, 09:21:14 PM
How do you recycle a used condom....turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it     (bada boom (http://www.pic4ever.com/images/Bananeyessss.gif))


You get the  :frown: face too
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on February 03, 2013, 09:23:36 PM
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
:frown:


Okay then.. How about a math joke?


What does a mermaid wear underneath her shirt?


And Algebra!
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on February 03, 2013, 09:25:03 PM
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
:frown:


Okay then.. How about a math joke?


What does a mermaid wear underneath her shirt?


And Algebra!


(http://i550.photobucket.com/albums/ii427/deathsdoor1234/GGS/lmao.gif)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on February 03, 2013, 09:26:12 PM
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?He was charged with battery.


 :lol:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on February 03, 2013, 09:36:24 PM
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
:frown:


Okay then.. How about a math joke?


What does a mermaid wear underneath her shirt?


And Algebra!

Robot Chicken: The Comedy of Science (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6C_fohdaD9A#)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on February 03, 2013, 09:42:09 PM
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?He was charged with battery.


 :lol:


What happens if you put the energizer bunny's batteries in backwards?
 
He keeps coming and coming..............
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on February 03, 2013, 09:49:04 PM
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
:frown:


Okay then.. How about a math joke?


What does a mermaid wear underneath her shirt?


And Algebra!

Robot Chicken: The Comedy of Science (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6C_fohdaD9A#)
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?He was charged with battery.


 :lol:


What happens if you put the energizer bunny's batteries in backwards?
 
He keeps coming and coming..............


You funny.  LOL
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on February 03, 2013, 09:50:52 PM
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
:frown:


Okay then.. How about a math joke?


What does a mermaid wear underneath her shirt?


And Algebra!

Robot Chicken: The Comedy of Science (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6C_fohdaD9A#)
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?He was charged with battery.


 :lol:


What happens if you put the energizer bunny's batteries in backwards?
 
He keeps coming and coming..............


You funny.  LOL

Nope.....I'm worse than that........(http://www.pic4ever.com/images/padded.gif)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on February 03, 2013, 10:07:56 PM
oh my.  lol




Now I know you have fun pills in your medicine cabinet.   :grin:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on February 03, 2013, 10:13:06 PM
oh my.  lol




Now I know you have fun pills in your medicine cabinet.   :grin:

My Happy Pills....
 
Happy Happy Joy Joy (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABWyXKT5qt4#)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on February 04, 2013, 06:30:39 AM
Careful with those. :)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on February 09, 2013, 11:52:17 PM
When I was a young lad, my grandfather caught me beating up his dog, he took me to the side and asked why.
 
I told him that I had seen the dog eating shit that was in the yard.
 
GrandPa explained to me that some times dogs do strange things like that, and that was no reason to beat the dog.
 
I told GrandPa that I wasn't beating the dog for eating shit, I was beating the dog for all the times he had licked my face.........
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: scooped away on February 16, 2013, 04:50:26 AM
An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

 He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

 She says, "Why, are you sick?"

 He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

 Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

 He says, "Where the heck are you going"?

 She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

 He says, "Why, what do you need?"

 She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on February 24, 2013, 10:07:34 PM
Anonymous hacked into Pfizers data base and leaked the ingredients of Viagra onto the internet, sales of Viagra plummeted when it was learned that it was made from Fix A Flat and Miracle Grow......
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on February 25, 2013, 01:12:15 AM
Anonymous hacked into Pfizers data base and leaked the ingredients of Viagra onto the internet, sales of Viagra plummeted when it was learned that it was made from Fix A Flat and Miracle Grow......


PepsiCo in a bold bid, purchased the rights to Viagra and began immediatly to produce a carbonated beverage based on Viagra and Pepsi, the idea being that you can go to a vending machine and pour yourself a stiff one.......
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: PS on February 25, 2013, 01:20:24 AM
Anonymous hacked into Pfizers data base and leaked the ingredients of Viagra onto the internet, sales of Viagra plummeted when it was learned that it was made from Fix A Flat and Miracle Grow......


PepsiCo in a bold bid, purchased the rights to Viagra and began immediatly to produce a carbonated beverage based on Viagra and Pepsi, the idea being that you can go to a vending machine and pour yourself a stiff one.......


lol!
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Saltydog on March 18, 2013, 06:38:16 PM
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the
other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we
might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit on a park bench, they hear a pushcart vendor yelling,
"Hot dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please!" says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige,
wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush, then after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun
and in a soft brogue whispers, "What part did you get?"
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on March 18, 2013, 07:14:51 PM
 :lol:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on April 02, 2013, 05:17:31 PM
Apparently every time I smoke a cigarette in the house my three-year-old son also smokes one.



The crafty little fucker.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on April 02, 2013, 05:29:11 PM
Apparently every time I smoke a cigarette in the house my three-year-old son also smokes one.



The crafty little fucker.

You prolly started smoking because of him...... :cool:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on April 02, 2013, 05:35:43 PM
No.. because of Mrs DD :cry:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on April 03, 2013, 06:10:54 PM
I've had sex with 100's of women in my life but not one of them has ever reached an orgasm.
That's the beauty of necrophilia.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on April 05, 2013, 04:26:14 PM
I stepped into the Mods lounge this morning, Deathsdoor had 2 black eyes, I asked him "what happened mate?"
 
(http://crimeblog.dallasnews.com/files/2012/08/hiromsdentonmug2.jpg)
 
 
DD replied that he was standing behind a lady whilst riding in an elevator, and he noticed that her dress was wedged in the crack of her ass. Being the thoughtfull and considerate person that he was, DD stated that he reached out and pulled the dress from the crack of her ass.
 
Then she turned around and hit him right in his eye.
 
I told him, that explains one black eye, how did he get the second black eye........
 
DD said......he put it back and she turned around and hit him in his other eye.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on April 05, 2013, 04:30:27 PM
I stepped into the Mods lounge this morning, Deathsdoor had 2 black eyes, I asked him "what happened mate?"
 
(http://crimeblog.dallasnews.com/files/2012/08/hiromsdentonmug2.jpg)
 
 
DD replied that he was standing behind a lady whilst riding in an elevator, and he noticed that her dress was wedged in the crack of her ass. Being the thoughtfull and considerate person that he was, DD stated that he reached out and pulled the dress from the crack of her ass.
 
Then she turned around and hit him right in his eye.
 
I told him, that explains one black eye, how did he get the second black eye........
 
DD said......he put it back and she turned around and hit him in his other eye.


YOU FUCKER!!!


(http://deathdoorsbasement.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/dwho.gif?w=1000&h=)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on April 15, 2013, 05:46:57 PM
Went to have sex with the wife the other night, took off all my clothes.
 
The wife looked at me and said, "who are you going to please with that tiny thing?"
 
I looked her square in the eye and said "ME!"
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on April 19, 2013, 05:13:27 PM

The terrible events that happened in Boston a few days ago have inspired me to do something I have never done.


I'm watching the London Marathon this year
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: bonajazz on April 19, 2013, 06:42:26 PM

The terrible events that happened in Boston a few days ago have inspired me to do something I have never done.


I'm watching the London Marathon this year
You are bad, DD, bad...
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on April 19, 2013, 06:47:32 PM

The terrible events that happened in Boston a few days ago have inspired me to do something I have never done.


I'm watching the London Marathon this year
You are bad, DD, bad...
Tooooo the bone.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on April 19, 2013, 06:55:31 PM

The terrible events that happened in Boston a few days ago have inspired me to do something I have never done.


I'm watching the London Marathon this year
You are bad, DD, bad...
Tooooo the bone.

Damn....I could have had a V8   (http://forum.goregasm.com/images/smilies/doh.gif)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on April 19, 2013, 06:59:04 PM
Whatever Dw said... fucked if i know...
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: scooped away on April 19, 2013, 07:17:04 PM

The terrible events that happened in Boston a few days ago have inspired me to do something I have never done.


I'm watching the London Marathon this year
You are bad, DD, bad...
Tooooo the bone.

Damn....I could have had a V8   (http://forum.goregasm.com/images/smilies/doh.gif)
:lol:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on April 19, 2013, 07:49:52 PM

The terrible events that happened in Boston a few days ago have inspired me to do something I have never done.


I'm watching the London Marathon this year
You are bad, DD, bad...
Tooooo the bone.

Damn....I could have had a V8   (http://forum.goregasm.com/images/smilies/doh.gif)
:lol:

One of these days, much like a bad prostrate exam.....he'll get it.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: nldude on April 20, 2013, 05:25:20 PM

The terrible events that happened in Boston a few days ago have inspired me to do something I have never done.


I'm watching the London Marathon this year

Don't forget to bring your pressure cooker.  :lol:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on April 20, 2013, 06:03:06 PM

The terrible events that happened in Boston a few days ago have inspired me to do something I have never done.


I'm watching the London Marathon this year

Don't forget to bring your pressure cooker.  :lol:

Good plan!!
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on April 21, 2013, 06:46:28 PM

Women wake up yawning and men with an erection.
Coincidence?


I think not
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on May 11, 2013, 01:51:18 AM
What's the difference between an old whore and a young whore?
 
A young whore uses Vaseline......
 
An old whore uses Dentugrip........... :demented:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on May 11, 2013, 07:46:07 AM
Boooooooo
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on May 11, 2013, 01:57:02 PM
Boooooooo

Right..................
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Eat Sack on May 19, 2013, 11:19:38 AM
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
 
 He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
 
 Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
 
 Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
 
 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
 
 'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
 
 The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
 
 'Moses,' replied the bird.
 
 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
 
 'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

(http://thebrandbuilder.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/burglar.jpg)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Harley on May 19, 2013, 11:24:44 AM
Lol ^^^
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on May 19, 2013, 08:25:03 PM
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
 
 He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
 
 Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
 
 Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
 
 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
 
 'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
 
 The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
 
 'Moses,' replied the bird.
 
 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
 
 'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

(http://thebrandbuilder.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/burglar.jpg)


(http://deathdoorsbasement.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/1-41.gif?w=700&h=)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on May 19, 2013, 09:19:53 PM




(http://deathdoorsbasement.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/1-41.gif?w=700&h=) (http://deathdoorsbasement.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/1-41.gif?w=700&h=)

Deathsdoor and his triple ripple vibrating buttplug.......more movement than a swiss watch.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on May 19, 2013, 09:23:52 PM




(http://deathdoorsbasement.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/1-41.gif?w=700&h=) (http://deathdoorsbasement.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/1-41.gif?w=700&h=)

Deathsdoor and his triple ripple vibrating buttplug.......more movement than a swiss watch.


BUSTED!!!!!!!! :demented:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on May 19, 2013, 09:28:16 PM
There once was a Deathsdoor from Nantucket,
 
Who's dick was so long he could suck it,
 
He said with a grin,
 
As he wiped his spermed chin.....
 
"If my ear was a cunt, I would fuck it......."
 
rimshot (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0PIdWdw15U#)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on May 19, 2013, 09:31:20 PM
There once was a Deathsdoor from Nantucket,
 
Who's dick was so long he could suck it,
 
He said with a grin,
 
As he wiped his spermed chin.....
 
"If my ear was a cunt, I would fuck it......."
 
rimshot (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0PIdWdw15U#)


(http://deathdoorsbasement.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/11.gif?w=1000&h=)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on May 22, 2013, 03:12:45 PM

I was surprised that the tornado was able to cause so much damage in Oklahoma.


I thought someone would have just shot it.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: SM666 on May 22, 2013, 03:15:41 PM

I was surprised that the tornado was able to cause so much damage in Oklahoma.


I thought someone would have just shot it.


(http://cdn.gifbay.com/2012/11/when_someone_tells_a_bad_joke-13422.gif)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on May 22, 2013, 03:21:10 PM

I was surprised that the tornado was able to cause so much damage in Oklahoma.


I thought someone would have just shot it.


(http://cdn.gifbay.com/2012/11/when_someone_tells_a_bad_joke-13422.gif)


(http://deathdoorsbasement.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/1-16.gif?w=1000&h=)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: SM666 on May 22, 2013, 03:46:55 PM
Why do Black people smell?
So the blind can hate them too.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on May 23, 2013, 06:21:00 AM
Why do Black people smell?
So the blind can hate them too.

(http://cdn2.screenjunkies.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Al-bundy-ed-oneill-animated-gif-2.gif)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on June 28, 2013, 07:14:25 PM



In England, they will take a tree, cut it down, remove the branches and the bark until they are left with a cylinder. Next, they will take the cylinder of wood and turn it on a lathe and whittle away until they are left with a perfectly formed bat. The bat will be cured and treated to strengthen it and then, when it is finally ready, they will use it to knock a leather ball around a park. In Scotland, they just throw the fucking tree.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on June 28, 2013, 07:16:00 PM
The dogs in my area are so clumsy.

I've just had to untangle yet another one from a post outside the newsagents.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: SM666 on July 12, 2013, 10:47:33 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1043958_530070620375366_1022979023_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on July 13, 2013, 06:45:09 PM
(http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/this-dar-32.jpg?w=500&h=547)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on August 11, 2013, 08:24:21 PM
You know you're a good rapist when she gets on top.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: nldude on August 11, 2013, 08:35:14 PM
you surf the web too much
 
(http://vectorpress.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/funny-animated-wallpaper-5.gif)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on August 11, 2013, 08:38:42 PM
you surf the web too much
 
(http://vectorpress.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/funny-animated-wallpaper-5.gif)


I do!
(http://deathdoorsbasement.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/1324.gif?w=1000&h=)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Silhouette on September 22, 2013, 04:10:53 PM
Fancy a change when having a wank?
Simply soak your hand in the bath for half an hour and pretend your nan is doing it for you.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Silhouette on September 22, 2013, 04:12:24 PM
Q.. How do you know when your sisters on her period?
A.. Because your dads cock taste like blood.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Silhouette on September 22, 2013, 04:13:36 PM
I was at work yesterday and i asked one of the women from the office what her ring tone was.

"Light brown, like everyone else," She replied.. i thought These women are certainly a lot more forward than they used to be!
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Saltydog on October 04, 2013, 05:03:31 AM
A man went to pick up his date for a Halloween party wearing nothing but rollerblades.
“What are you supposed to be?” she asked.
He answered, “Your pull toy.”


While attempting to get a medical marijuana card from his doctor, a man asked about detrimental side effects.
“Marijuana use can cause memory loss,” the doctor replied,
“and also memory loss.”


During a course on how to save lives, an instructor was going over the Heimlich maneuver when he noticed a guy in the back of the classroom had zoned out. The instructor got in his face and asked, “What do you do when a girl is choking?”
The guy replied, “Normally I just back up a few inches.”


Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench one day when a man in a dark trench coat walked by. Without any hesitation, he pulled open his coat and flashed them.
The first old lady had a stroke.
The second old lady had a stroke.
The third old lady couldn’t reach.


“This year I need a vacation a little differently,” a man told his co-worker. “Two years ago I went camping, and my wife got pregnant. Last year I went on a cruise, and my wife got pregnant again.”
“So what are you going to do differently this year?” the co-worker asked.
“This year".” the man said. “I’m taking my wife with me.”


Two rich Beverly Hills housewives were discussing their new beauty treatments over lunch at a country club.
“I’m thinking about getting another boob job,” the first said.
The second said, “I’m planning to get my asshole bleached.”
“Whoa,” the first replied, “I just can’t picture your husband as a blond.”


A female police officer arrested a man for drunk driving.
She said, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.”
He shouted out, “Tits!”
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on October 04, 2013, 02:33:26 PM

A six-foot five skinhead was giving me evils in the pub.
I said, "Keep looking at me like that and you'll be spending the night in A&E."
He said, "I'd like to see you fucking try, you little cunt!"
So I stabbed his wife.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on October 09, 2013, 05:52:26 AM
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay" says the bartender "If you said you paid, you did".
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it".
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose". "Don't bother me with your troubles" the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way".
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Saltydog on November 01, 2013, 04:08:51 AM
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: scooped away on November 06, 2013, 10:27:38 PM
Girl goes to a dance with brother because she didn’t have a date.
 On the way back home, he says to her:” If I wasn’t your brother I’d pull over, kiss you & shag you like hell.”
She said: pretend you are not my brother then.
 After making love, she said to him:”Your dick is as big as Dad’s”
He says: “That’s what Mom always tells me too.”
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on November 22, 2013, 04:30:59 PM



A report that an Alien spaceship sighting in the Nevada Desert during the summer of 1969 was covered up by the US military, has been dismissed as 'a ridiculous conspiracy theory'.


A spokesman added,  "We were filming the Moon landings at the time"
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on November 30, 2013, 05:04:28 PM

I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night. I snuck up behind an older lady, started fucking her from behind then looked up and suddenly realised that the guy at the other end of the spitroast, getting a blowjob, was my dad.


I said, "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum."


He said, "I'm not."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: Saltydog on November 30, 2013, 07:30:59 PM
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf clubs for
his Saturday game.
His wife was standing at the bench watching him. After a long period
of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time
you quit playing so much golf. Maybe you should sell your clubs and cancel your membership at the golf club."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He states, ”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
He replies, “I wasn't ”

Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 05, 2013, 11:17:43 PM

'Nelson Mandela dies at 95'


Respect where it's due...




That's 5 miles an hour faster than Paul Walker!
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on December 20, 2013, 11:15:20 AM

I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.


I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?"


"That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over £100 million to develop," he boasted proudly.


"What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked.


"We give them to a bloke on a push bike."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on May 07, 2014, 03:33:42 PM

*knock knock*


Who's there?


*knock knock*


Who's there?


*knock knock*


Who's there?


Look Jesus, let me finish nailing your feet and quit the fucking jokes, eh!?

Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on May 07, 2014, 03:35:03 PM

I was arguing with someone about Islam and Halal food and they said, "Throwing bacon at a Muslim is as offensive as throwing dog shit at them."


Anyway, long story short, I'm now saving a fortune on bacon.

Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on May 07, 2014, 03:35:59 PM

My Chinese Mum bought me some sweets.


"Oh Mum, these are Haribo." I said.


"Well if you don't like them, don't eat them." She replied.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on May 07, 2014, 03:37:05 PM

Today, I was browsing pornhub in Nigeria.


The popup advert said, "There are no local girls in your area."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on May 08, 2014, 04:48:22 PM
(http://img0.joyreactor.com/pics/post/cheating-husband-gun-1166373.jpeg)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on May 19, 2014, 01:19:34 AM
Deathsdoor and Sicmonster were walking to go get beer when Sicmonster said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

Deathsdoor replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

Sicmonster nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on May 19, 2014, 01:23:03 AM
Salty was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."


Salty took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

Salty said, "Look, I'm on Gore2Gasm Staff, I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on May 19, 2014, 01:26:48 AM
Fuck Off, DW and Bonjazz were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

DW said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Bonajazz said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

Fuck Off said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on May 25, 2014, 02:12:38 AM
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.[/size]Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.Time stood still.The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day ... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.4- My left eye will not open.5- My right eye will not close.6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on May 25, 2014, 02:04:31 PM
Salty was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."


Salty took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

Salty said, "Look, I'm on Gore2Gasm Staff, I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."



 :demented:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on September 08, 2014, 02:20:04 PM
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on September 09, 2014, 05:27:03 AM

Sure, white people can't say the "n word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad." :tongue:



Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on October 08, 2014, 08:17:42 PM

Research shows that the golden fish is able to live in a small spherical aquarium, because it is extremely stupid, by the time it has done a full circle, it has forgotten everything and starts circling again and again, and again...

Now I see why Americans love NASCAR.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on November 17, 2014, 05:30:15 PM

Research shows that the golden fish is able to live in a small spherical aquarium, because it is extremely stupid, by the time it has done a full circle, it has forgotten everything and starts circling again and again, and again...

Now I see why Americans love NASCAR.




(http://110.imagebam.com/download/9xxumsNnBju4RYn2Dn6t3Q/36505/365045698/wtf.jpg)
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on November 17, 2014, 05:50:43 PM

Research shows that the golden fish is able to live in a small spherical aquarium, because it is extremely stupid, by the time it has done a full circle, it has forgotten everything and starts circling again and again, and again...

Now I see why Americans love NASCAR.


Britain has invented a new missile.

It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on November 17, 2014, 06:10:14 PM

Research shows that the golden fish is able to live in a small spherical aquarium, because it is extremely stupid, by the time it has done a full circle, it has forgotten everything and starts circling again and again, and again...

Now I see why Americans love NASCAR.




(http://110.imagebam.com/download/9xxumsNnBju4RYn2Dn6t3Q/36505/365045698/wtf.jpg)


You liked it!!
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on November 17, 2014, 06:11:06 PM

Research shows that the golden fish is able to live in a small spherical aquarium, because it is extremely stupid, by the time it has done a full circle, it has forgotten everything and starts circling again and again, and again...

Now I see why Americans love NASCAR.


Britain has invented a new missile.

It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.



They should all be shot. Lying bunch of cunts.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on November 17, 2014, 06:35:24 PM

Research shows that the golden fish is able to live in a small spherical aquarium, because it is extremely stupid, by the time it has done a full circle, it has forgotten everything and starts circling again and again, and again...

Now I see why Americans love NASCAR.


Britain has invented a new missile.

It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.



They should all be shot. Lying bunch of cunts.




Only in Britain...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.

Only in Britain...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on November 17, 2014, 06:39:19 PM

Deathsdoor went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.

'Would you like one with a plug?' asked the assistant.

'Don't tell me they've gone electric,' said Deathsdoor.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on November 17, 2014, 06:41:40 PM

You know you're from Canada when ........


You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.


Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.


You find -40C a little chilly.


The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.


Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.


You choose a Halloween costume which fits over a snowsuit.


You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.


The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 3 pages for hockey.


You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.


You perk up when you hear theme from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on November 17, 2014, 07:02:06 PM

Deathsdoor went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.

'Would you like one with a plug?' asked the assistant.

'Don't tell me they've gone electric,' said Deathsdoor.
:demented:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on February 23, 2015, 06:37:08 PM

You can tell a lot about a person by their car.


For example, if it's in a ditch it belongs to a woman...


No laughing Bona :demented:
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on February 23, 2015, 06:38:47 PM

Number of people killed by a gas chamber disguised as a shower:


Jews : 6 million
Muslims : 0
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: bonajazz on February 23, 2015, 09:36:42 PM

You can tell a lot about a person by their car.


For example, if it's in a ditch it belongs to a woman...


No laughing Bona :demented:


 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DeathsDoor on February 23, 2015, 09:56:01 PM

You can tell a lot about a person by their car.


For example, if it's in a ditch it belongs to a woman...


No laughing Bona :demented:


 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


 :grins:  Thought you'd find that funny.
Title: Re: Sick and funny jokes
Post by: DW on May 14, 2016, 06:43:36 PM
(http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/enhanced-buzz-10263-1382026663-40.jpg)