Sick and funny jokes

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Offline DeathsDoor

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« Reply #225 on: June 28, 2013, 07:14:25 PM »



In England, they will take a tree, cut it down, remove the branches and the bark until they are left with a cylinder. Next, they will take the cylinder of wood and turn it on a lathe and whittle away until they are left with a perfectly formed bat. The bat will be cured and treated to strengthen it and then, when it is finally ready, they will use it to knock a leather ball around a park. In Scotland, they just throw the fucking tree.
I tried to commit suicide one time...

I won't be trying that again I nearly fucking died.

Offline DeathsDoor

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« Reply #226 on: June 28, 2013, 07:16:00 PM »
The dogs in my area are so clumsy.

I've just had to untangle yet another one from a post outside the newsagents.
I tried to commit suicide one time...

I won't be trying that again I nearly fucking died.

Offline SM666

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« Reply #227 on: July 12, 2013, 10:47:33 PM »

Offline DW

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« Reply #228 on: July 13, 2013, 06:45:09 PM »
I tried being anorexic once,

I could binge like a motherfucker, but I just could'nt do the purge part.

Offline DeathsDoor

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« Reply #229 on: August 11, 2013, 08:24:21 PM »
You know you're a good rapist when she gets on top.
I tried to commit suicide one time...

I won't be trying that again I nearly fucking died.

Offline nldude

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« Reply #230 on: August 11, 2013, 08:35:14 PM »
you surf the web too much
 

Offline DeathsDoor

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« Reply #231 on: August 11, 2013, 08:38:42 PM »
I tried to commit suicide one time...

I won't be trying that again I nearly fucking died.

Offline Silhouette

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« Reply #232 on: September 22, 2013, 04:10:53 PM »
Fancy a change when having a wank?
Simply soak your hand in the bath for half an hour and pretend your nan is doing it for you.
Oh what a gorious morning, oh what a gorious day!

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Offline Silhouette

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« Reply #233 on: September 22, 2013, 04:12:24 PM »
Q.. How do you know when your sisters on her period?
A.. Because your dads cock taste like blood.
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Offline Silhouette

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« Reply #234 on: September 22, 2013, 04:13:36 PM »
I was at work yesterday and i asked one of the women from the office what her ring tone was.

"Light brown, like everyone else," She replied.. i thought These women are certainly a lot more forward than they used to be!
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Offline Saltydog

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« Reply #235 on: October 04, 2013, 05:03:31 AM »
A man went to pick up his date for a Halloween party wearing nothing but rollerblades.
“What are you supposed to be?” she asked.
He answered, “Your pull toy.”


While attempting to get a medical marijuana card from his doctor, a man asked about detrimental side effects.
“Marijuana use can cause memory loss,” the doctor replied,
“and also memory loss.”


During a course on how to save lives, an instructor was going over the Heimlich maneuver when he noticed a guy in the back of the classroom had zoned out. The instructor got in his face and asked, “What do you do when a girl is choking?”
The guy replied, “Normally I just back up a few inches.”


Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench one day when a man in a dark trench coat walked by. Without any hesitation, he pulled open his coat and flashed them.
The first old lady had a stroke.
The second old lady had a stroke.
The third old lady couldn’t reach.


“This year I need a vacation a little differently,” a man told his co-worker. “Two years ago I went camping, and my wife got pregnant. Last year I went on a cruise, and my wife got pregnant again.”
“So what are you going to do differently this year?” the co-worker asked.
“This year".” the man said. “I’m taking my wife with me.”


Two rich Beverly Hills housewives were discussing their new beauty treatments over lunch at a country club.
“I’m thinking about getting another boob job,” the first said.
The second said, “I’m planning to get my asshole bleached.”
“Whoa,” the first replied, “I just can’t picture your husband as a blond.”


A female police officer arrested a man for drunk driving.
She said, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.”
He shouted out, “Tits!”
You are not even human fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit!

Offline DeathsDoor

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« Reply #236 on: October 04, 2013, 02:33:26 PM »

A six-foot five skinhead was giving me evils in the pub.
I said, "Keep looking at me like that and you'll be spending the night in A&E."
He said, "I'd like to see you fucking try, you little cunt!"
So I stabbed his wife.
I tried to commit suicide one time...

I won't be trying that again I nearly fucking died.

Offline DW

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« Reply #237 on: October 09, 2013, 05:52:26 AM »
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay" says the bartender "If you said you paid, you did".
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it".
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose". "Don't bother me with your troubles" the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way".
I tried being anorexic once,

I could binge like a motherfucker, but I just could'nt do the purge part.

Offline Saltydog

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« Reply #238 on: November 01, 2013, 04:08:51 AM »
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!
You are not even human fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit!

Offline scooped away

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« Reply #239 on: November 06, 2013, 10:27:38 PM »
Girl goes to a dance with brother because she didn’t have a date.
 On the way back home, he says to her:” If I wasn’t your brother I’d pull over, kiss you & shag you like hell.”
She said: pretend you are not my brother then.
 After making love, she said to him:”Your dick is as big as Dad’s”
He says: “That’s what Mom always tells me too.”