Sick and funny jokes

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Offline DeathsDoor

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« Reply #240 on: November 22, 2013, 04:30:59 PM »



A report that an Alien spaceship sighting in the Nevada Desert during the summer of 1969 was covered up by the US military, has been dismissed as 'a ridiculous conspiracy theory'.


A spokesman added,  "We were filming the Moon landings at the time"
I tried to commit suicide one time...

I won't be trying that again I nearly fucking died.

Offline DeathsDoor

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« Reply #241 on: November 30, 2013, 05:04:28 PM »

I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night. I snuck up behind an older lady, started fucking her from behind then looked up and suddenly realised that the guy at the other end of the spitroast, getting a blowjob, was my dad.


I said, "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum."


He said, "I'm not."
I tried to commit suicide one time...

I won't be trying that again I nearly fucking died.

Offline Saltydog

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« Reply #242 on: November 30, 2013, 07:30:59 PM »
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf clubs for
his Saturday game.
His wife was standing at the bench watching him. After a long period
of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time
you quit playing so much golf. Maybe you should sell your clubs and cancel your membership at the golf club."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He states, ”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
He replies, “I wasn't ”

You are not even human fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit!

Offline DeathsDoor

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« Reply #243 on: December 05, 2013, 11:17:43 PM »

'Nelson Mandela dies at 95'


Respect where it's due...




That's 5 miles an hour faster than Paul Walker!
I tried to commit suicide one time...

I won't be trying that again I nearly fucking died.

Offline DeathsDoor

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« Reply #244 on: December 20, 2013, 11:15:20 AM »

I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.


I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?"


"That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over £100 million to develop," he boasted proudly.


"What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked.


"We give them to a bloke on a push bike."
I tried to commit suicide one time...

I won't be trying that again I nearly fucking died.

Offline DeathsDoor

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« Reply #245 on: May 07, 2014, 03:33:42 PM »

*knock knock*


Who's there?


*knock knock*


Who's there?


*knock knock*


Who's there?


Look Jesus, let me finish nailing your feet and quit the fucking jokes, eh!?

I tried to commit suicide one time...

I won't be trying that again I nearly fucking died.

Offline DeathsDoor

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« Reply #246 on: May 07, 2014, 03:35:03 PM »

I was arguing with someone about Islam and Halal food and they said, "Throwing bacon at a Muslim is as offensive as throwing dog shit at them."


Anyway, long story short, I'm now saving a fortune on bacon.

I tried to commit suicide one time...

I won't be trying that again I nearly fucking died.

Offline DeathsDoor

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« Reply #247 on: May 07, 2014, 03:35:59 PM »

My Chinese Mum bought me some sweets.


"Oh Mum, these are Haribo." I said.


"Well if you don't like them, don't eat them." She replied.
I tried to commit suicide one time...

I won't be trying that again I nearly fucking died.

Offline DeathsDoor

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« Reply #248 on: May 07, 2014, 03:37:05 PM »

Today, I was browsing pornhub in Nigeria.


The popup advert said, "There are no local girls in your area."
I tried to commit suicide one time...

I won't be trying that again I nearly fucking died.

Offline DW

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« Reply #249 on: May 08, 2014, 04:48:22 PM »
I tried being anorexic once,

I could binge like a motherfucker, but I just could'nt do the purge part.

Offline DW

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« Reply #250 on: May 19, 2014, 01:19:34 AM »
Deathsdoor and Sicmonster were walking to go get beer when Sicmonster said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

Deathsdoor replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

Sicmonster nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
I tried being anorexic once,

I could binge like a motherfucker, but I just could'nt do the purge part.

Offline DW

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« Reply #251 on: May 19, 2014, 01:23:03 AM »
Salty was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."


Salty took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

Salty said, "Look, I'm on Gore2Gasm Staff, I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
I tried being anorexic once,

I could binge like a motherfucker, but I just could'nt do the purge part.

Offline DW

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« Reply #252 on: May 19, 2014, 01:26:48 AM »
Fuck Off, DW and Bonjazz were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

DW said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Bonajazz said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

Fuck Off said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
I tried being anorexic once,

I could binge like a motherfucker, but I just could'nt do the purge part.

Offline DW

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« Reply #253 on: May 25, 2014, 02:12:38 AM »
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.[/size]Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.Time stood still.The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day ... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.4- My left eye will not open.5- My right eye will not close.6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
I tried being anorexic once,

I could binge like a motherfucker, but I just could'nt do the purge part.

Offline DeathsDoor

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« Reply #254 on: May 25, 2014, 02:04:31 PM »
Salty was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."


Salty took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

Salty said, "Look, I'm on Gore2Gasm Staff, I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."



 :demented:
I tried to commit suicide one time...

I won't be trying that again I nearly fucking died.